There’s blood in my mouth. A metallic twang on my tongue
from the split lip you gave me. You’re wearing the hood pulled up on your
raincoat and my damp dress slaps against my shivering knees. I hug myself
tight. For warmth, yes – and for courage. Because I’m not taking you back this
time.
‘I’ll stay with Mum tonight,’ I say. ‘When I get back I want
you gone.’ Our bodies are turned tactfully outwards, away from one another.
There’s a fair at the seaside, today, and a carousel. Painted horses loom out
of it. They bare wooden teeth; glare with manic eyes. It’s mesmerising.
We fled the house earlier like it was a crime scene. ‘To get
some air,’ I’d said. I run my tongue over my lip again, reliving the pain.
‘Alice, please,’ you say. There’s a quiver in your voice.
‘Please, what?’ The wind makes me shiver – or maybe it’s
adrenalin. I’m formidable now you’re weak. Now your rage has burned out and
your fists have turned inwards again. I could be up high with the seagulls,
watching us both, watching the carousel – buoyed on balmy foreign breezes.
I savour this feeling. It’s not often I get to be powerful.
‘Don’t do this,’ you beg. ‘I swear. I’ll never lay another
finger on you.’
‘The problem isn’t your fingers,’ I say. ‘It’s your fists.’
The goad tastes delicious. The carousel thunders round, screaming.
You prize my arm away from my body. You have to wrench it.
You hold my palm between both of yours, as if praying. ‘I’ll do anything, my
love,’ you say. ‘Anything.’ A rush of sympathy floods me like anaesthesia. I
struggle to resist. On the ride, children grip their slippery charges, faces
fearful. Knuckles white.
My father wasn’t like you – though he had other passions.
He’d stalk into the room where my brothers and I played and slip his hand up
Mum’s skirt, and she’d just stand there, frozen against the wall. As if her
stillness meant we wouldn’t notice.
My own knuckles are the colour of chicken bones popped from
their sockets.
I smell candy floss through the rain. What is it that made
you this way, I wonder? Bruised, inside? Is it the ancient strap marks from
your dead dad’s belt? The lashes from your mother’s tongue? I’ve seen the power
of those.
You’re shaking now, as you grip my hand. Beside us, the
carousel slows to a standstill. You sink to your knees. I could walk away.
Leave you crumpled on the floor.
But something’s changed. I’m not your mother, after all. I’m
not you. I can’t stomach hurting you for long. It’s the thing that makes me
different that makes me stay.
I try to pull you to your feet and when you won’t rise, I
crouch too. I kiss your tears with my bloody mouth. It hurts. When we get to
our feet, the carousel has started again. New passengers. New fares. The same
old ride.
Winner of Flash 500 First Quarter 2015.
Winner of Flash 500 First Quarter 2015.
Excellent piece, Katharine. Perfect ending.
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