Film Trailer Park with top film pundit Alfie Fletcher

Films these days are so shit that as a critic I’d prefer to get married to Kerry Katona than sit through them. However, you can tell a lot from the trailers.

After Earth

Will Smith and his son crash on Earth in the future and the younger one does a lot of running away from animals.

What the trailer looks like – Will Smith doing a mental in the face voice and a lot of CGI animals.

Expectation - It looks like less fun than dysentery.

Pacific Rim

A big fish monster attacks a city and has a fight with a big robot thing resulting in lots of bridges and stuff getting smashed up.

What the trailer looks like – That bloke out of Luther shouting ‘We are cancelling the apocalypse!’ and big things hitting each other. In fairness, they do this every week in Power Rangers and the budget on that is about fifty pence.

Expectation - Is it worth seeing? Is it fuck.

The Lone Ranger

A ranger goes around the wild west, but contrary to the title is actually with a native American chap called Tonto and not really lone at all.

What the trailer looks like – Johnny Depp being weird and doing yet another peculiar voice and a bit of jumping around on the roof of a train. Not a lot of clips featuring the eponymous hero, probably due to the fact that Depp was undoubtedly paid a squillion quid and they need to get their money’s worth.

Expectation - Uhmm, it might be sort of OK. But then again it mightn’t be.

Man of Steel

Look, we all know the basic story here – a bloke puts his baby into a pod thing and sends him to Earth where he’s able to fly about and be really good.

What the trailer looks like – Russell Crowe being an Australian alien (it’s probably fine as he was quite good when he played the Australian Roman bloke), Kevin Costner being a farmer, Superman with a beard (no indication in the trailer as to how he manages to shave it off later –  or how he got his hair cut before they knew he was super), some moody shots of him going about the arctic and then lots of him being smashed through buildings and stuff.

Expectation - I’ll bet there aren’t a lot of laughs in this and there’s a pretty good chance the last forty-five minutes will just be a big fight. Probably best to wait until it’s on Film 4.

Riddick

Vin Diesel is chased by bounty hunters and then they are all chased and eaten by some alien creature things.

What the trailer looks like – Diesel killing a few bounty hunters before ending up in chains and then the aliens come. Then nearly everyone gets eaten. That’s about it, really.

Expectation – Look, it’s got Vin Diesel in it so it will probably be as good as the one where the guys drive the cars around and jump onto trucks and stuff.