Cornerstones Mini Masterclass February 2016

with Ayisha Malik, Managing Editor at Cornerstones Literary Consultancy.

Each issue, Cornerstones Literary Consultancy explores and critiques a reader's opening page. If you would like to participate in their Opening Page Mini Masterclass, send your opening page (400 approx words) as a Word Document attachment to submissions@wordswithjam.co.uk with the subject ‘Cornerstones Masterclass’. Pieces for critique are chosen at random from those submitted to Words with JAM.

Rosette by Cindy Rinaman Marsch

1888 DAKOTA TERRITORY 

Rosette – Dissolution

Still quick and slim, still well turned out at fifty-eight. With shine to my hair—when I can dress it—and light in my eyes. But suddenly cut off, with the flourish of a pen, the run of a press. I sit here still, in this dark sod shanty, my granddaughter outside chattering, her mother Lillie dragging the dusty wash off the line. We’ve scraped the earth—or my son DeWitt has—and we women have tended the children and labored long days to feed us all. In the quiet the babe is asleep in the cradle beside me, in the spot where the sunshine pries through—and the wind in winter. A generation ago DeWitt was the babe in my lap—and his father Otis chopping trees to clear the farm near my folks in Michigan. Now my son breaks the bones of the earth to farm here—to coax food from the soil and beat back the vermin that race us to harvest.

That little waver of afternoon sun flickers down on the letter in my lap. It’s just a line or two from daughter Ella, folded round the notice in the newspaper. Otis has sued divorce on me. Two years’ absence and I have deserted him, the law says. So be it—I will not answer for it.

I rode the train here two years ago, rumbling out west, then north, to whatever might be here for me, for my eldest son’s family. A young family ought to have help from their folks in homesteading, as ours helped us. And so I came.

But, truth be told, moreso I left. I left what had long since shriveled and died. I left the oppressive eye of Otis’s old mother waiting to be served and watching to quaver at me. I left Otis’s deranged brother drooling and wild-eyed, gaining strength in middle-age. And I left my last babe, Percy—twelve then, fourteen now—who sees no wrong in Otis. So it is with the boys—they see their father’s muscled arms and callused, scarred hands. The gleam in his eyes they mistake as ambition for the farm. Always something new he longs for, and better—better than I, for certain.

Most sad of all, I left the girls to the daily care of that menagerie. Ella writes of her suitor, and soon will fly into his arms. Her sisters have yet a few years. Among them they can keep the house, their routines set. The rhythms of the harvests will well enough provide for them all. I am grown too old—no matter I can still turn a reel at a dance—to bear it any longer.

Critique by Ayisha Malik

This is an intriguing first page. It has a great sense of setting: dusty terrain, struggling with the labour and harvest, and the author’s imagery gives a tantalising taste of this. The Voice is strong, which helps to reel the reader in and the author has seeded in some key details of the character’s life, which brings a sense of Tension to the story. Note that this tension does not just leave the reader to ponder what happened – which to a large extent, might not be that important – but rather what will happen. Here, I think, the author could bring in a greater sense of foreboding.

I’m not sure how the story will unfold, but it seems that the author is filtering in a sense of jeopardy through the Conflict of the character’s marriage and the decision she made to leave her husband and family. Otis has been roughly sketched as a kind of brute, and we are prone to believe the narrator, but what the reader is left to wonder is how this might play out as the story progresses. The author could do more here to Show us what Otis was like in order to heighten this sense of tension and mystery. For example, the character might have a flashback of the life she left behind, giving us a glimpse of her husband and even her children.

This might also help to gain reader sympathy. As mentioned, the voice is strong, but the decision to leave an entire family behind, including children that are fairly young, could be construed as selfish. This didn’t hinder my opinion of the protagonist but might be something that prevents the reader from sympathising fully with her. A flashback might help to flesh out Characterisation and give us a better idea of how we should feel upon reading that Otis has asked for a divorce. Right now, it seems as if it is a good option, which actually diminishes the conflict. In fact, a greater feeling of emotional conflict would help here. This relates to having a strong Emotional Arc for the main character, but also should help the reader sympathise with her decision to leave. Right now it seems she is rather too at peace with her choice.

There could also be a better sense of clarity in terms of place and what she’s left behind­. For example, when she receives a letter from Ella could it be clearer that she is living with DeWitt, on her son’s farm, and Ella is with her father and the rest of her family? The information is already there, but it could be clarified. This can sometimes happen when we’re introduced to too many characters without them being in the actual scene, so the author could think about how each one is filtered in. I also wondered about plausibility: with her being fifty-eight and the youngest being fourteen she felt quite old, considering the time they’re living in. This might be answered in the rest of the story but is something to consider when thinking about issues of believability.

Generally, the Style felt strong and leans towards the literary genre but there were times when certain sentences jarred for me, which contributes to the lack of clarity sometimes. For example, the all-important opening, ‘Still quick and slim, still well turned out and fifty-eight’ read a little awkwardly and it might be worth paying attention to that. Also, ‘…the babe is asleep in the cradle beside me, in the spot where the sunshine pries through—and the wind in winter’ ­– the latter part of that sentence feels forced and awkward. The style should underpin the story, allowing the reader’s eye to sweep over it and be caught up in its world, not struggle with it. Some tweaks should help to give the writing more fluidity so the reader isn’t forced to pause over, or re-read, anything.

Overall, the opening has real promise. If the author could think about some of the issues I’ve highlighted, focusing on Style, Characterisation and the Emotional Conflict, giving a heightened sense of foreboding, developing these aspects and Showing a little more to the reader, this should make the narrative more involving. A better sense of clarity in terms of who is who – the people the character has left behind and where she is now should also be beneficial.

I wish the author the best of luck with this confident piece of writing. 

Cornerstones Mini Masterclass November 2015

with Ayisha Malik, Managing Editor at Cornerstones Literary Consultancy.

Each issue, Cornerstones Literary Consultancy explores and critiques a reader's opening page. If you would like to participate in their Opening Page Mini Masterclass, send your opening page (400 approx words) as a Word Document attachment to submissions@wordswithjam.co.uk with the subject ‘Cornerstones Masterclass’. Pieces for critique are chosen at random from those submitted to Words with JAM.

The Fox and the Crow, Inc.

a Novella by Ariadne Apostolou

Riding in a car could tranquilize an infant, so it should work for her, Mina Wright told herself   starting up her Lexus, desperate for serenity after the last half hour of hysterical sobbing. She did not need a psychiatric referral! How dare he! It was just stress--to be expected with a husband at death’s door—though she really should stop using that expression. He was going to recover. Of course, she was fine—except for embarrassing herself by screaming like a madwoman at Dr. Ramos, the only doctor in the universe she actually trusted. Now her head throbbed.

Mina drove out of the town center, thick with afternoon traffic. She was fine. Life got a little out of control sometimes, was all. She should try deep breathing as she drove. Multi-task a little more. Pile it on, why not?  She inhaled, counted to ten and released.

Dr. Ramos threatened to call her tomorrow to check up on her. She didn’t need that. Call and apologize first, to head him off. That is what she would do. Right now, she was very late picking up Skye at Bette Palmer’s. They’d be late getting home to Richard. And she’d left her cell-phone somewhere. Where? Her office? She could call Richard from Bette’s.

The sun was shining, but rumbles overhead signaled a storm coming, really bad for the internal chaos. Electrified air, sudden drops in barometric pressure--everything affected her, being the overly sensitive type as the whole universe—Dr. Ramos, Richard--reminded her. She needed tranquility before seeing Bette, la loca who exerted some weird orbital force with the power to destabilize whatever equilibrium Mina could muster. It had happened before, so often, in fact, that Richard had ordered her to avoid Bette. She is poison for you, he’d shout. That was back when he could blow his stack and breathe at the same time. His frustration more recently emerged as teary despair. She missed those schooling lectures that she’d take with a grain of salt.

As she inhaled and exhaled with determination, the candy-colored clapboards and new-leafing sugar maples in Bette’s neighborhood dissolved into two children at the side of a dark highway, looming like a horror film. Mina! Stay here, she ordered herself. Forget them. Forget Dr. Ramos. Next is Bette’s street. Pick up Skye. Get home to Richard. Keep this straight: today is June 15, 2001! Not June 15, 1969.

Critique by Ayisha Malik

This is a potentially engaging piece. The author, generally, manages to use the third person limited perspective to draw the reader into Mina’s mental state successfully. At the moment there is a tendency to Tell rather than Show, which can have a distancing effect, despite us viewing events from Mina’s POV. We manage to find out a fair bit about the protagonist and her circumstance, which is good, but there were times when the Pace felt rather too fast so this could be slowed down in parts. In some ways, this is related to the Tone of the opening page, which has quite a frantic quality – although this mirrors Mina’s emotional state – but can verge on feeling overly neurotic, diminishing some of the Tension I think we should be feeling, especially by the end of the last sentence.

Firstly, I felt the opening sentence needed clarity: I’m not quite sure about the purpose of the infant analogy. It suggests that Mina has an infant to calm down rather than it being calming for herself, and in any case, she gets in the car because she needs to collect her daughter, not because it’ll relax her. The mention of ‘psychiatric referral’ manages to grab our attention, however, and instantly tells us something about Mina’s situation, along with her character as she reacts so badly to the idea of it. This is a good place to consider Showing rather than Telling in order to slow down the Pace. For example, rather than tell us about Mina’s ‘hysterical sobbing’ could the author show us how she might look or feel? Is she trying to catch her breath? Does she feel drained? Within the same paragraph we’re told about her dying husband. This is also good because it brings in a sense of drama and Tension, but the speed with which we’re taken through this information and Mina’s emotions leaves us little time to really absorb the impact of what we’ve discovered about her.

I think the conflict of Mina’s unravelling mental health and her determination to keep herself together is engaging. She is trying to rein in her hysteria, but this is a woman on the verge, and we know it. However, I think the neurotic tone here is diminishing some of the potential Tension. This is about balancing the narrative so that the Pace is slowed right down at points when we need to be absorbed in how Mina’s feeling – ‘She was fine. Life got a little out of control sometimes, was all. She should try deep breathing as she drove. Multi-task a little more. Pile it on, why not?’ – and when to move it along so that we’re aware of how haphazard she is – ‘And she’d left her cell-phone somewhere. Where? Her office? She could call Richard from Bette’s.’ The former quote is an example of where the Pace could be slowed and we can be shown more than her just taking a moment to take some deep breaths.

Because of the Pace of the opening and its frantic tone it might be worth the author considering including some action scenes so we get a chance to see Mina’s interplay with other characters. For example, we’re told about the negative effect Bette Palmer has on Mina – can we be shown this in a scene between the two when she picks up Skye? So much of Mina’s unfolding character is being told to us via her thoughts that some action and dialogue would help to break up the introspective nature of the opening page. The author could keep the way Mina recalls her husband’s reaction to her seeing Bette, the seeding in of which gives us insight into their changed relationship – this, quite cleverly, helps us to have a sympathetic view of Richard before we’ve even met him. If we meet Bette and see for ourselves how awful she is, our respect for Richard and empathy will probably be greater.

In terms of Tension and Pace, I think the last paragraph is the most important to focus on. This is where a sense of foreboding creeps in and the anxiety we’ve seen Mina experience is connected to, seemingly, a past event of significance. It’s worth mentioning that the writing here is lovely:

‘…the candy-colored clapboards and new-leafing sugar maples in Bette’s neighborhood dissolved into two children at the side of a dark highway, looming like a horror film.’

The contrast of images – candy colours and sugar maples to two children on a dark highway – is really well done. Here, especially, I feel the Pace needs to be slowed; we need a stronger sense of Tension by more Show Don’t Tell – by not only anchoring us in Mina’s perspective, but showing us something more than her present reaction. Right now this feels a little flippant, though I don’t think that’s the effect the author wishes to produce. Again, it’s about balancing Mina’s propensity to want to forget and ignore things and giving the event the weight of tension that it deserves in order to show the reader its importance. What does Mina do? Does she shake her head in order to get rid of the image? Slow the car down? Does her heart beat faster (though this is a bit of a cliché)? Do her palms get sweaty? I also think a little more detail about the appearance of the two children might help to heighten the tension. We don’t need a thorough description but one or two striking images, which help the reader to fear the images as much as Mina.

In conclusion, I think the author has some strong material to work with here. They should focus on using Show Don’t Tell to help slow the Pace and increase the Tension, as well as consider developing the tone a little – maintain its frantic edge, but reining in the neurosis so that the conflict feels more foreboding. They shouldn’t be afraid of staying in the moment to really make us feel Mina’s hysteria and also heighten the mystery of why she is unravelling like this.

I wish the author all the best with this promising and intriguing piece.  

Cornerstones Mini Masterclass October 2015

with Ayisha Malik, Managing Editor at Cornerstones Literary Consultancy.

Each issue, Cornerstones Literary Consultancy explore and critique a reader's opening page. If you would like to participate in their Opening Page Mini Masterclass, send your opening page (400 approx words) as a Word Document attachment to submissions@wordswithjam.co.uk with the subject ‘Cornerstones Masterclass’. Pieces for critique are chosen at random from those submitted to Words with JAM.

Encoded

by Terry Ellen

Tim Browne didn’t even hear the storm. On the eve of his thirteenth birthday, when—for his own health, not to mention his Aunt Nellie’s peace of mind—he really should have been asleep, he was lying on his bed (in truly dorky pyjamas) wearing headphones and playing guitar. This is what he did almost every night, even when he wasn’t turning a year older the next day. It was not only a passion, but also an effective escape from the parts of his life that made him unhappy, which, these days, was pretty much all of them.

Beside him on the bed was a CD case whose resident artists were identified as the Three Fingers—a rock band his dad Rob had played in before Tim was born. He was listening to the album full blast and doing his best to play along with his dad’s gnarly riffs. His dad was a pretty awesome guitar player. Not as awesome as Jimi Hendrix, of course, who looked down benignly on Tim from his place of honor on the wall beside his bed. His dad had given him that poster and both of them knew no one was as awesome as Hendrix.

Suddenly, there was a blinding flash followed by an ear-splitting crack loud enough to penetrate even the full-blast, surround-sound musical world in which Tim was immersed. Tim jumped up and pulled off his headphones, looking around in alarm. When he heard the rain pounding the cottage, he quickly figured out the cause of the disturbance. In case he had any doubts, another peal of thunder, almost as loud as the first, confirmed his hypothesis.

Tim raised the window blind and peered outside, wondering just how close the lightning strike had been. It couldn’t have been very far, that was certain. He took a deep breath and exhaled, feeling his pounding heart slowly starting to return to normal. He put the headphones back on. The band was just about to go into the big finish. Smiling, he assumed his best rock and roll pose and raised his arm, getting ready to hit the final E7 chord. As his pick hit the strings there was another blaze of light. This time Tim didn’t have to guess where the bolt hit. The blast of electricity surged through the guitar, cementing Tim to the spot and freezing his entire body in an absurd contortion, a parody of rock and roll excess. As a noise like an explosion shook the cottage, Tim fell to the floor. It was a hell of a finish.

Critique by Ayisha Malik

I think there is potential in this opening page, especially to wring out the Tension that builds to the climax towards the end. In order to maximise on this the author could employ more Show Don’t Tell as well as anchor us more firmly in the main character’s Point of View, which links to Voice. Voice is all-important, particularly in children’s fiction (although it’s not entirely clear whether this is adults or children’s) and once the author unearths this it will immediately feel more authentic, vibrant and should positively impact on other aspects such as: Show, internal conflict and observation. It should also help to slow down the scene in key moments to aid build-up and tension. At the moment the authorial perspective takes away from us really engaging with Tim and this diminishes the impact of what occurs by the end of the page. There are also some issues with Pace that could be honed. I’ll go into more detail about how the author can develop these technical aspects in order for this first page to live up to its potential. 

We’re immediately given a good sense of place and Tim’s character – musical, a little nerdy (the pyjamas are a good touch), unhappy. However, using more Show would help bring out the dimensions of his personality, as well as allowing the reader to engage with him. For example, when the author writes:

It was not only a passion, but also an effective escape from the parts of his life that made him unhappy, which, these days, was pretty much all of them.

The author could employ more of Tim’s thoughts in order for the reader to find out about the reasons behind his unhappiness. Is it to do with school? Friends? Family? His mother isn’t mentioned and I get the feeling there might be a story there, especially as Aunt Nellie is alluded to (where are his parents?). What are the feelings specific to Tim that help him to escape? I like the subtle irony of this: Tim has his headphones on, doesn’t notice the storm and is so fully immersed in his own world that he has no idea about the one around him, which is going to eventually lead to an incredible accident. Also, how does this passion make Tim feel? What are the physical or emotional manifestations of this passion? I also wonder whether the author could add some details here to help raise the Tension. We know Tim doesn’t notice the storm, but the author could drip-feed certain details, suggesting something happening outside in order to increase a sense of mystery and foreboding. Perhaps a flash of light that Tim catches, but he ignores it? Or perhaps the light in his room flickers as a result of the storm outside? 

The details about CDs and names of bands, while giving us an insight into Tim’s likes and nicely alluding to his positive relationship with his father, take away from the tension of the moment and slows down the Pace. The jump from ‘No-one was as awesome as Hendrix’ to ‘Suddenly there was a blinding flash’ feels rather abrupt at present. I realise that’s the nature of its suddenness but the preceding description, which feels quite slow, means the lead-on paragraph jars somewhat in the narrative. Any drip-feeding suggesting that things aren’t quite normal might help with this. 

It would be good to stay away from any clichés when describing the lightning, such as ‘Blinding flash’ (it’s hard to imagine a blinding flash when the blinds are drawn) and ‘ear-splitting crack.’ This is also a good opportunity to Show from Tim’s Point of View. Can we be shown his reaction to the light and the sound? Does he squint or shield his eyes? Is there some kind of interference with the headphones he’s wearing, piercing the sound and hurting his ears? 

Structurally, if you think of the opening we have: 
First paragraph: introduction to character and setting.
Second paragraph: musical detail, along with mention of his dad. 
Third paragraph: action.
Fourth paragraph: inciting incident. 

The paragraphs are more or less equal in length, but not necessarily equal in narrative importance. I believe that condensing the second paragraph and slowing the pace in the third and fourth would increase the Tension. Tim’s ‘pounding’ heart is a good example of Showing (though perhaps also quite clichéd) and more of this the moment he realises what’s happening outside would be good. I’d also be careful of language that sounds too formal, such as, ‘Confirmed his hypothesis.’ This doesn’t sound like the voice of a soon-to-be thirteen-year-old boy, which adds to the distancing effect between the reader and character. How does Tim feel when he sees the thunder? What is he thinking? When he puts his headphones back on I want to see the emotional transition from fear back to happiness. 

The final few lines, leading up to the incident are imperative:

As his pick hit the strings there was another blaze of light. This time Tim didn’t have to guess where the bolt hit. The blast of electricity surged through the guitar, cementing Tim to the spot and freezing his entire body in an absurd contortion, a parody of rock and roll excess. As a noise like an explosion shook the cottage, Tim fell to the floor. It was a hell of a finish.

I think more careful use of language could contribute to a tighter finish. For example, do we need, ‘This time Tim didn’t have to guess where the bolt hit.’ This feels like an authorial perspective and without it, I believe the finishing reads in a more gripping way. 

In conclusion, this page has potential but the author should think about employing more Show Don’t Tell, editing out sentences/words to fasten the Pace when needed, and focus on Tim’s emotional reactions and perspective to slow it down when necessary. A much stronger focus on honing Tim’s Voice, Point of View, and his thoughts and feelings should also help the reader to engage with both Tim and the story. 

Best of luck to the reader with developing this piece. 

Cornerstones Mini Masterclass

with Ayisha Malik, Managing Editor at Cornerstones Literary Consultancy.

Each issue, Cornerstones Literary Consultancy explore and critique a reader's opening page. If you would like to participate in their Opening Page Mini Masterclass, send your opening page (400 approx words) as a Word Document attachment to submissions@wordswithjam.co.uk with the subject ‘Cornerstones Masterclass’. Pieces for critique are chosen at random from those submitted to Words with JAM.

Exit Route by Julia Thorley

If Karen had known that on Wednesday evening she would be seeing Tommy for the last time she would have paid more attention.

She stared out of the café window. The station served one of those unsurprising Midlands towns that most people don’t even notice on their way through to somewhere more interesting. There was little activity: too late for travellers to be returning from weekends away, too soon for them to be leaving. A few disconsolate businessmen stood hunched against the March chill, straining to read their phones by murky yellow lights suspended from the awning.

Three chimes signified the arrival of the northbound train. Karen watched as a man in a dark overcoat threw his rucksack to the ground then manoeuvred a double bass down the train steps. Session musician with an orchestra perhaps, she mused. A bevy of young women teetered their way towards an empty carriage.

Karen turned her attention back into the room as Tommy sat down at the table with a lidded coffee in his hands.

‘You needn’t wait, you know. I’m a big boy now.’

Karen looked into his youthful face and resisted the urge to stroke it. Instead she replied, ‘Indulge your old mother. I’ve got nothing to get home for.’

‘When’s Dad back?’

‘Not ’til Friday. His plane lands at 5-ish, so he’ll be home for supper, unless...’ She left the rest of the sentence implied.

Tommy took a sip of his coffee and flinched as it burnt his top lip. ‘Well, it’s been good to see you, even if it was just a flying visit. Thanks for lunch – and the money.’ He grinned sheepishly.

‘Yes,’ Karen teased. ‘You keep telling me you’re a grown-up, yet you rarely turn down a bit of extra cash.’

‘Well, it would be churlish to stifle your maternal generosity.’

Looking out into the gloom again, Karen could see people gathering for the 18.30 to London. A tall man wearing a trilby struggled to keep it on his head as the wind buffeted him. Odd, thought Karen, to see a man in a hat these days.

‘I’d better go and stake my claim on the platform, then.’ Tommy stood up and eased himself into his backpack straps. He kissed the top of Karen’s head.

‘Take care, sweetheart,’ she said.

‘Always do, Ma, always do.’

He swung out of the door and was gone.

Critique by Ayisha Malik

This is a good first page. The author evokes the bleak setting well with specific details such as the ‘yellow lights suspended from the awning,’ which helps to set the scene. It also seems to provide a parallel between the external and the main character, Karen’s, internal state. The opening sentence is dramatic, instantly setting up mystery and what I’m assuming will be a core plot thread. There are aspects such as Tension, Pace and Characterisation, which could be developed in order to strengthen the opening. Another issue for the author to consider is helping us to discern what this story will actually be about: A mother’s search for her missing son? A literary fiction piece about a woman who’s in a state of loss and discontent? It might very well be both, but a little more clarity as to what they want it to be should help.

Although the opening sentence is strong, the author might consider whether they want to hold back this information in favour of drip-feeding Karen’s thoughts. By withholding the plot point, and rather suggesting something has happened, it should help to heighten the tension and urge the reader to turn the page to find out exactly what that is.

The author does a good job of anchoring the reader in Karen’s point of view, though I think we could make this a closer third person limited perspective. Her detachment comes across well – she seems separate from everything around her. Indeed, her gazing out of the café window while ignoring the actual person in her company suggests someone removed from real life. This sets up a potentially strong character arc: Why isn’t she paying attention? What is happening in her life that is emotionally separating her from others? All her distractions, however, seem to be of the trivial kind and I wonder whether the author could pare back the more banal details. For example, after having set the scene so well do we need:

‘A tall man wearing a trilby struggled to keep it on his head as the wind buffeted him. Odd, thought Karen, to see a man in a hat these days.’  

Additionally, Karen’s response to the man in the hat doesn’t tell us anything about the story or Karen – the author’s already shown that she’s distracted – do we need to know her thought process on such an inconsequential matter? If the author is using this thought as a way of indicating to the reader Karen’s sense of boredom then that’s fine, but at the same time we need to be engaged with this emotional ennui. Could the author signpost this in a more dramatic – if that doesn’t sound contradictory – way? Essentially, we need more emotional conflict and tension, and this, at the moment, is dissipated in favour of the less thought-provoking details.

A bit more insight into Karen’s feelings should help to bring the tension to the fore. It should also help with the pace, which is slowed down as a result of the more mundane particulars. Could we be shown, subtly, through dialogue and action more of who Karen is? Her urge to stroke Tommy’s face (and not doing so) is a good instance of how actions reveal character. For example, the mention of her husband indicates some tension in their relationship. Perhaps we can spend another sentence or two with her pondering about him. One of the strengths of this opening is that it manages to avoid exposition, so the author wants to maintain this, but a few details about her feelings, a stronger indication of perhaps a marriage in trouble (if that is the case) should help to heighten the tension as well as strengthen her character arc.

As the core narrative will be related to Tommy going missing the author could show us more of him through Karen’s eyes. The scene’s importance is based on the fact that it is the last time Karen will see him so a little more interaction between them would be helpful in establishing their dynamic. Right now, it comes across easy and quite playful, which demonstrates their closeness, but what is Karen really thinking about her son? She seems lonely and so how does this manifest in her dealing with Tommy? Does she want him to stay? If so, does she say something? Perhaps she holds it back, just the way she resists the urge to stroke his face – and this too would be very telling of her character. It might also be interesting to find out a little more of Tommy’s character through his mother’s eyes. He will be going missing so we want to really care about him as a character and understand what Karen is losing.

On the whole, the author has a good foundation to work with here. I want to know more about Karen and especially what happens to Tommy. Seeding in more detail about her emotional state should help to raise the tension and give a better understanding of her character. Also, by paring back some of the details that aren’t relevant to the plot we should get a faster pace, helping to keep the reader engaged.

I wish the author luck with developing this interesting piece. 

Cornerstones Mini-Masterclass

with Ayisha Malik, Managing Editor at Cornerstones Literary Consultancy.

Each issue, Cornerstones Literary Consultancy explore and critique a reader's opening page. If you would like to participate in their Opening Page Mini Masterclass, send your opening page (400 approx words) as a Word Document attachment to submissions@wordswithjam.co.uk with the subject ‘Cornerstones Masterclass’. Pieces for critique are chosen at random from those submitted to Words with JAM.

Frankincense by Linda Spurr

75CE  Sumhuram on the southern coast of Arabia

I can smell the frankincense. When I close my eyes I can see my trees in the Qara hills, the trees that I claimed, nurtured and harvested. My right hand moves to my waist, seeking my knife, the manqaf, that I would use to score the bark so that the trees bleed their precious sap, that hardens into beads of frankincense. But I have no knife now and I doubt I shall have need of one in the future.

I am guilty and I have confessed.

The frankincense reminds me of good times. Its sweet, woody, spicy aroma takes me back to my childhood, to those untroubled days when I was permitted to be in the groves. But when I became a woman, it was no longer my right to go there. But I did. I took no heed of our laws, our mores, our history. I had a skill with the beads, a special talent for turning them into balms, incense, fragrances that no-one had created before. That, so I thought, gave me, Nashwa Al-Jamal, permission to do as I wanted. 

But the gods found me guilty. They have punished me and now it is the turn of our king and the people.

I can smell death. Frankincense is at the heart of our lives: its smoke takes prayers to our gods, its perfume obscures the odours of the day, it is burned in the temples, before battles, on wedding nights. But it is also the smell of death for it is used at funerals, to embalm the body and as a final offering to the deceased.

Is this frankincense for me? My funeral gift? To send me to the gods?

I am startled into opening my eyes as I hear voices, the guards who brought me here, to the dungeons of the Mukkarib’s palace. I hear them approaching, they move quickly, they have a purpose. But their footsteps pass by my door and fade.

Not all. One guard has stopped and I hear the rattle of keys. As the door to my cell opens, I can feel the pulse of blood in my ears, loud, fast, like the ritual drumming at a feast …. or a funeral.

Critique by Ayisha Malik

There are many interesting aspects of this opening page, including a sense of Tension and a strong first person narrative. The author manages to use evocative images, smells and sounds to create an engaging atmosphere. There are some features the author could consider enhancing and in this critique I’ll highlight areas that are working, as well as those that could be developed.

For any narrative Conflict is a key technique to help engage the reader. This usually arises as a result of interaction between characters. In this opening the narrator is on her own and so the conflict must arise from within (emotional arc), while the author can use the narrator’s external situation (Setting) to ramp up the tension. The first person narrator is generally used to good effect here, although there is perhaps a little more Telling as a result of this. For example, we are told:

The frankincense reminds me of good times

But this is Shown though the memory it conjures so we don’t actually need this opener. (Incidentally, is there a way to juxtapose this line with what the frankincense means to Nashwa now, to create a sense of cruel irony?) The telling isn’t a huge issue at the moment and it helps to give us some background information about who the narrator is and why she’s here ­– however, it’s a good habit to pick things like this out in order to tighten the writing.

Currently, despite it being a first person narrative, we are kept at arm’s length when it comes to Nashwa’s emotional state. We aren’t initially aware of her situation, but when we finally learn that she’s in a dungeon, potentially awaiting her own death, she seems to be very calm. Her demeanour is almost resigned and nostalgic and so we do need a stronger sense of her internal struggle.
For example, the author evokes smell and sight in the opening sentences, but is taking us out of the present to do so, which also slows the Pace. Nashwa may very well be reconciled to her fate, but if that’s the case then we would need a keener sense of how she came to feel this way. It is especially important since this fate is probably death and so the stakes are high. If she doesn’t care about her potential death, why should we? The line towards the end...

I can feel the pulse of blood in my ears, loud, fast, like the ritual drumming at a feast

... is a good example of using her emotional reaction to demonstrate her fear, including use of the senses in a way that shows her anxiety rather than telling us.

I touched upon pace above and this is related to Structure, which I feel could be used to better effect. Technical aspects such as structure, pace, tension etc. are often intertwined – improvement to one, usually affects the other. I found some really emotive lines in the opening: ‘I can smell death’, ‘I am guilty and I have confessed’, ‘… or a funeral’. These short, staccato sentences give a sense of abruptness that could, thematically, be linked to the possible death of the narrator. However, I’m not convinced that these have been used to their utmost effect. Consider the opening paragraph:

I can smell the frankincense. When I close my eyes I can see my trees in the Qara hills… But I have no knife now and I doubt I shall have need of one in the future.

We’re not given any sense of present setting here and nor is this flashback conducive to heightening tension or conflict. In essence it slows the pace. Alternatively you have:

I can smell death. Frankincense is at the heart of our lives: its smoke takes prayers to our gods, its perfume obscures the odours of the day, it is burned in the temples, before battles, on wedding nights. But it is also the smell of death for it is used at funerals, to embalm the body and as a final offering to the deceased.
Is this frankincense for me? My funeral gift? To send me to the gods?

The first is a hard-hitting line and I wonder whether opening with something like this would do a better job of engaging the reader? Right now the frankincense will mean very little to the reader, but this line takes us to the core issue at hand. The pace is then slowed by explaining the frankincense’s function in ‘their’ (who are they?) daily lives. The author should think of where the tension and conflict is on a line-by-line as well as paragraph-by-paragraph level, taking into account the reaction they want to evoke in the reader. The final line relates this smell of death directly to the narrator, heightening the tension by telling the reader what’s at stake.

A better sense of the current setting from the get-go would also be helpful. Where are we? The narrator says: I am startled into opening my eyes as I hear voices…
A stronger sense of place should help to make this environment more menacing, also increasing tension. We find out later she’s in a dungeon and ideally it would be good to know this earlier – if not explicitly then certainly small details that denote her dire situation could be seeded in, contrasting her current situation to the memories the smell of frankincense invokes. Remember, it’s not necessary to give all details at once, but by drip-feeding information the author should be able to maintain tension, spurring the reader to continue.

On a more minor note, try to avoid the passive voice: ‘My right hand moves’, and any repetition that can make a sentence read awkwardly – there are two consecutive sentences beginning with ‘But’. I also found the repeated use of the word ‘frankincense’ quite distracting. I did find myself wondering how the gods have punished her? We don’t need an overt explanation, but a few details to give a sense of her trials and sufferings might be useful.

In conclusion, this is a very promising piece – intriguing and atmospheric – which could be developed by re-structuring the narrative for a stronger sense of setting, along with a better understanding of the narrator’s emotional state. I hope the author finds this helpful and continues to work on the project in order to fulfill its considerable potential.

Cornerstones Mini Masterclass

with Ayisha Malik, Managing Editor at Cornerstones Literary Consultancy.

Each issue, Cornerstones Literary Consultancy explore and critique a reader's opening page. If you would like to participate in their Opening Page Mini Masterclass, send your opening page (400 approx words) as a Word Document attachment to submissions@wordswithjam.co.uk with the subject ‘Cornerstones Masterclass’. Pieces for critique are chosen at random from those submitted to Words with JAM.

The Silence by Katy Eachus

On those rare occasions when Abby allowed herself to think about her cousin Philippa, she always saw her as a girl of fourteen who was very much alive. A girl who could burp the National Anthem (well, the first couple of lines), hurl herself off rocks, catch scorpions in her bare hands, hold her breath until she fainted and who always slept with one arm straight up in the air. A girl who pulled faces behind people's back, rolled her eyes, did impressions and spurted her drink over everyone when she laughed. Being with Philippa meant laughing until you were sick, sharing your deepest, most thrilling secrets, keeping each other awake with disgusting jokes and gut-wrenching stories. And of course planning the perfect murder.

She never thought of Philippa as she had last seen her. How could she have done that and carried on a normal life? How could she have finished school, got a degree, gone to work, married, done all the things normal people did? So much easier to think it had never happened.

After all, it was impossible to imagine now, just as it was impossible to recapture the blinding heat, the scorching dust clouds that peppered your legs and the incessant nagging of the cicadas that drilled into your skull. Impossible to think of the place existing without them. Of life going on just as it had before they had arrived. But it must. People drinking in the bars below the villa or lazing in deckchairs around the swimming pool must look up into those forested hills hundreds of times in a day and have no idea what they concealed.

Brambles as thick as Abby's arm must have grown up by now over the place where she last saw Philippa, spreading their fingers around the stones. Acacias with their dagger-like thorns would have muscled in to form a second line of defence. Landslips would have showered down mud and rocks on top - erasing it, erasing Philippa, erasing everything.

“If you keep lying about something it becomes the truth,” Philippa had said.

So perhaps it really hadn’t happened. Because if it had surely by now someone would have broken through the woods, clawed back the brambles, pulled apart the stones, and they’d have found her wouldn’t they?

A girl without a face.

Critique by Ayisha Malik

This is a promising opening page, with some evocative writing and good use of descriptive language. The author has a strong foundation for a potentially gripping read, but there are some issues – particularly relating to Point of View and Show Don’t Tell, which are affecting Characterisation, along with some more minor observations ­­– that could be developed to make this an even more engaging read.

Essentially the opening page is telling the reader two things:

1. Something terrible, involving a murder, has happened.

2. The protagonist is trying to forget about it.

We expect that the novel will be fraught with emotional conflict for Abby, while the mystery as to what actually happened unravels, providing a tense interplay between the narrative arc and character arc. As it stands, the tone and style, to begin with, feels rather chatty for the story that’s being told. However, Philippa’s character comes across strongly, helping us to invest in the emotional dynamic set up between the protagonist (presumably Abby) and Philippa. The line, ‘And of course planning the perfect murder’, is both sinister and intriguing: whose murder? Why? What happened?

In some ways Philippa overshadows Abby – the opening has resonances of Rebecca: the way a character, long dead, impacts upon the characters who are trying to escape their ghost. Because Philippa is already coming across so well, I’d suggest that we have a better sense of Abby – after all, we assume it will be her struggle that we engage with throughout the story. In order to do this the author could ground us more firmly in Abby’s perspective, and also implement more Show Don’t Tell. I’d recommend employing a closer third person narrative. This is a good way of allowing the reader to experience events as Abby does, but also allows for another viewpoint in the story, should it be needed. However, any authorial perspective should be avoided as it can jar for the reader, forcing them out of the story.

It is fine to have Abby as a rather benign figure, overpowered by Philippa – this also provides the author with plenty of opportunity for Abby to grow as a character as the story progresses. However, the author does need to pepper the opening with some sense of who Abby is, even if the things she says or does are rather prosaic, because we know, after all, that she will be anything but.

A more ‘in-scene’ setting could help with this and should also prevent too much Telling. We learn that Abby has gone on to have a ‘normal’ life post-Philippa, but can we witness Abby’s interaction with her husband/family? This should Show us Abby’s family situation, adding colour to her character to create a stronger emotional arc and raising the stakes for our protagonist. We could get a far better sense of how Abby is battling to believe that whatever has happened didn’t actually happen – going about her daily activity, pushing back thoughts of her cousin to heighten her sense of denial.

There is some lovely descriptive writing: the ‘blinding heat’ and brambles ‘spreading their fingers around the stone’, portray a feeling of claustrophobia that Abby must be experiencing. However, it feels rather authorial at the moment and I wonder why it’s impossible for Abby to ‘recapture the blinding heat’? It would be more effective if we witnessed her experiencing the past in a more visceral way, thereby increasing the tension and conflict.

There are some issues of clarity. A stronger sense of setting and where we are in time should help distinguish the past from the present. For example, it says, ‘Impossible to think of the place existing without them’. What place is the author talking about? Is it separate to the one where Abby is now? Does she still live near the forest? The contrasting dark imagery with the deckchairs and swimming pools works well, but a closer character POV here would help. For example, is Abby looking at this idyllic scene – if so, then this could be made clearer. Also, who’s ‘them’? This feels authorial and, again, if we were grounded firmly in Abby’s POV, it should prevent any confusion.

Because the mystery being set up and the descriptive language is already very evocative, the author should avoid any tendency to overwrite. For example:

‘Brambles as thick as Abby's arm must have grown up by now over the place where she last saw Philippa, spreading their fingers around the stones. Acacias with their dagger-like thorns would have muscled in to form a second line of defence. Landslips would have showered down mud and rocks on top.’

The last line could be edited out, as the preceding images are already effective in denoting a sense of foreboding. On another quite minor note: the second paragraph is repetitive as well as Telling. We already know how Abby thinks of Philippa so we don’t need to be told, ‘She never thought of Philippa as she had last seen her.’

We aren’t given much dialogue, and when we are, it’s very effective, giving us further insight into Philippa’s character:

‘If you keep lying about something it becomes the truth,’ Philippa had said.

But I wonder, using a closer perspective, if we could have a stronger sense of Abby remembering this, and its effect on her?

The final paragraph and line is particularly evocative. The reader is left to imagine a resurrection of some sort, fighting its way through the brambles and stones. Here, again, we could be more grounded in Abby’s POV. The author could really heighten the tension and sense of Abby’s past creeping up on her by immersing us in her perspective: a battle between remembering and forgetting, the past and the present, the living and the dead.

In conclusion, this is a strong piece of writing, and I’d urge the author to consider using a closer character POV and implementing more Show Don’t Tell in order for us to get a stronger sense of Abby’s character, and more clarity in terms of setting and time period.

I wish the author the best of luck with developing this promising piece.

The Benefits of Bespoke Mentoring, with Ayisha Malik

Cornerstones provides editorial feedback on all manuscripts, scouts for agents and specialises in launching first time authors. It’s a teaching-based skills company and has just launched a one-to-one bespoke mentoring package. We asked Ayisha Malik, managing editor at Cornerstones, a few questions about the new scheme.

What criteria do potential mentees have to meet before being accepted onto the programme?

We read sample pages and a synopsis from all first time authors in order to establish whether they're ready for a report (as well as to get an idea of their style and what writing stage they're at). We don’t take on every manuscript as the self-editing process can have a negative impact if the author’s not ready. The great thing about mentoring is we're now able to help authors who need that one-on-one attention – whether they're at creative writing stage and need help with core technical issues, or at a more advanced submission level.  

How does mentoring differ from a critique or editing of a person's manuscript?

Mentoring is more bespoke in many ways. Each author struggles with different aspects of writing: Show Don't Tell, structure, POV, writing a synopsis and plotting their story, for example. A mentor will be able to develop exercises and provide guidance based on what they feel the author needs most help with. The author will have ongoing access to the mentor's support on a one-to-one basis, whether that's asking them to re-read some revised pages, thrash out plot ideas or address style issues. 

What are the main benefits of working one on one with an experienced mentor, rather than in a group?

Peer feedback can be very useful and has its benefits. However, it's no real replacement for professional advice from someone who's been in the industry and has experience helping authors. All our mentors have a background in teaching writers as well as either having industry experience or being published writers themselves. They also have the added benefit of market knowledge, which should help inform the author's writing if they're geared towards finding an agent. 

A worry for writers working one on one is that the feedback is an individual person's opinion. How do mentors overcome that?

It's true that there is always an element of subjectivity with any MS. However, advising an author on whether the structure isn't right, or highlighting weak characterisation is very different to saying they don't like the way, let's say, a certain character comes across. It is our mentors' job to be candid – there'd be no benefit to the author otherwise – but we also ask that authors stick to their gut instinct if something doesn't quite resonate with them, (though often a mentor will pick up on what an author's already aware of). Whatever the author's final decision for revision we ask they consider why a mentor might have highlighted a certain issue. And of course, because of the nature of mentoring the author might find a brainstorm with the mentor about any doubts for their revision helpful. 

How do you match mentors and clients so they're a good fit?

This is one of the benefits to reading a sample of writing and a synopsis in the first instance. We know our editors inside and out in terms of their literary experience and preferences and it often occurs to me while reading a sample, which mentor would be the perfect match for a certain MS. We'll soon have our mentor and team page up on our website so authors will also be able to see for themselves their expertise. We also send the sample and synopsis to the mentor (if they haven't worked with the author before) and tend to assign the MS to the one who's most excited about the project. 

Do you provide mentorship for fiction, non-fiction, or both?

Both and all genres.

Would this work for writers living in other countries, or is much of it face-to-face?

We're global and already work with authors abroad so the mentoring will also extend to them. Many authors use phone or Skype, which can work just as well as face-to-face, for any discussions with the editor, or they can take place via email. Again, it's very much what the author feels happiest with. 

What do your clients go on to do after the programme?

It's quite a new programme so we're excited to see where it might lead for each author. Whatever they go on to do, it should be a useful and rewarding experience, the result of which should be stronger writing and perhaps even a finished manuscript ready for submission to agents!

Cornerstones is offering a one hour free consultation to launch the mentoring scheme until 16^th February. Visit http://cornerstones.co.uk/mentoring/ for more information.

Cornerstones Mini Masterclass December 2014

with Ayisha Malik, Managing Editor at Cornerstones Literary Consultancy.

Each issue, Cornerstones Literary Consultancy explore and critique a reader's opening page. If you would like to participate in their Opening Page Mini Masterclass, send your opening page (400 approx words) as a Word Document attachment to submissions@wordswithjam.co.uk with the subject ‘Cornerstones Masterclass’. Pieces for critique are chosen at random from those submitted to Words with JAM.

In the Middle of Nowhere by Stephanie Holliday

Jo stared out of the window.

‘There they are again. I wonder who decides what they’re going to wear each day’ she mused half to herself.

Jonnie looked up from the television. ‘You’ve talked about them everyday since we moved in.’ He said crossly

‘I know you’re not interested but doesn’t it make you wonder even a little bit?’

‘Why would I be interested in two mad old biddies? Anyway I want you to come over here – I’ve got something much more interesting for you to see.’ Jonnie replied with a rather crude gesture.

‘I know what you’ve got – seen it all before’ she giggled tauntingly but nevertheless she moved away from the window and then, almost reluctantly towards him.

‘Yeah but I never get bored with you looking, and I do with you looking at them all the time.’

Not for the first time since they’d moved here together two months ago did she wonder how suited they were. Perhaps the novelty of sex on demand was wearing off. She worried that there was nothing else between them.

Besides, living in this drab house on this boring road was getting to her now. She’d always wanted to live in the country but it wasn’t what she’d thought it would be, especially when the only neighbours were the two old ladies that she saw everyday from the window.

No wonder I’ve got obsessed by them.

It was intriguing though: why did they always wear the same clothes as each other, even down to the choice of dowdy hats or plastic rain hoods? Why was one of them always in the lead? She was pretty sure it was always the same one but couldn’t swear on it.

I know, she turned towards the window again, I’ll find an excuse to knock on their door

Turning round she saw Jonnie advancing towards her with a determined expression ‘I’ve told you to come away from there’ he said roughly pulling on her arm.

‘My my’ she laughed ‘aren’t you the powerful one’.

This time though he didn’t laugh but just scowled at her, ‘Just you remember I’m the one that needs attention and comes first’

He faltered then, as though he’d just realised how bad it could make him look, he tried to turn it in to a joke. ‘You’re making me frustrated, that’s what you’re doing – you know I can’t get enough of you’.

‘OK’ she said teasingly ‘what can I do, nice cup of tea perhaps? Bacon butty?.... or something else’ the last provocatively and with a ludicrous leer.

They both laughed and moved towards each other.

Critique by Ayisha Malik

There are aspects of this first page that have the potential for Tension and Conflict: the relationship between Jo and Jonnie, Jo’s emerging discontent and Jonnie’s increasingly abrasive behaviour. However, these are somewhat dissipated largely due to issues relating to Point of View, Show Don’t Tell, and Characterisation. Stylistically some of these are interlinked and so the discussion will overlap, but read further to understand how these issues can be addressed, and how this opening can be developed.

The first page should ground the reader in the world the writer has created, helping them to get a sense of what the story is going to be about. There are hints of mystery here but at the moment it’s difficult to know what aspect we’re meant to be engaging with: the two women who Jo seems to find so intriguing? (Incidentally, is the fact that they wear the same outfit every day interesting or simply just a little eccentric?) Or Jo and Jonnie’s relationship? Jo seems unsure of her relationship with Jonnie and this is good – emotional conflict is one of the main drivers when it comes to pushing narrative forward.

However, this needs to be heightened. At the moment, while Jo can seem charmingly playful, she also comes across as a little glib. POV here is crucial for a few reasons: to know whose story this is going to be – it may very well be both Jo and Jonnie’s, but that will also need to be indicated – to help heighten Tension, and to remove the distance between the reader and character. Ideally, you want to stay in one character’s perspective per scene, but if you’re not able to do that then in the very least it should be one POV per paragraph, avoiding any head-hopping which can jar for the reader.

Because we open with Jo’s observations and speech I assume we’ll be reading the story from her perspective, (though right now I’m not sure she is coming across as engaging enough. This is related to Characterisation, which I’ll discuss later). Is her interest in the two old ladies relevant to the narrative or character arc, or is it simply to show her growing boredom with living in the countryside? It seems to be the latter: ‘No wonder I’ve got obsessed by them.’ (Note that thoughts should always be italicised.) If the old ladies are simply there to show Jo’s boredom then there could be less focus on them, and instead the author could concentrate on the dynamic between Jo and Jonnie, which to me seems to be the most pertinent strand.

In order to access more of Jo’s POV we need to know what she’s thinking and how she’s feeling. We get an idea of this:
‘Not for the first time since they’d moved here together two months ago did she wonder how suited they were. Perhaps the novelty of sex on demand was wearing off. She worried that there was nothing else between them.’
If the novelty of sex is wearing off then we only know because we’re told, but it isn’t shown or suggested in anything Jo says or does, nor does she come across as particularly worried. More action and skilful dialogue should help with this.
For example, Jonnie can seem menacing but Jo’s indifferent reaction takes away the Tension that might otherwise be generated. We already know she’s having doubts about her move to the country and Jonnie. How can we Show this sense of discontent? For example, Jonnie says:
“‘Just you remember I’m the one that needs attention and comes first.’”

Does Jo flinch? Does the mood change? If so, how? Her reaction doesn’t have to be that strong, but we need a greater indication of how she’s feeling so she doesn’t come across passive. Remember, Tension is created by how characters act and react. Consider where the tension peaks are in each scene and don’t be scared to slow down so we’re immersed in these. For me the above quote indicates a key moment, one that is pivotal to the way in which the dynamic changes.

At first Jonnie was a little unpleasant, but now he is actually rather threatening. Jo’s response is simply playful. Is there a way of interplaying what she says with how she feels? She might be teasing him but does she feel uncomfortable at all? Again, closer POV and use of SDT here is important. Does her heart beat a little faster? Do her palms gets sweaty. Does she try to release Jonnie’s grip as she speaks? If there is no discomfort then it’s important to consider how dynamics are constantly shifting between characters, scene-by-scene. For example, the last line of the page also reduces Tension because Jo and Jonnie seem to be conciliatory.

We should get a stronger sense of Characterisation with a closer POV and SDT. Right now neither Jo nor Jonnie come across as very likeable characters, but this isn’t a prerequisite for an engaging read. Jonnie seems to be the more interesting of the two at present. He is rather crude and we see a glimmer of something threatening about him, which makes him nuanced – and this nuance, in essence, is what you need in any character. It could be developed further in two ways: firstly, by closer access of his POV (watch out for any head-hopping) and secondly – if the author decides to stick to Jo’s POV – by showing us more of Jonnie through her perspective. One of the most interesting parts of his character is that he seems self-aware:
‘He faltered then, as though he’d just realised how bad it could make him look, he tried to turn it in to a joke.’

The author could do more here to set-up a sense of potential duplicity. Is Jonnie genuinely embarrassed about what he says, or is he intentionally masking his true self by turning it into a joke? It could be one or the other, but either way it needs to be clearer. As mentioned, Jo’s emotional conflict is touched upon and this could be developed by Showing us what’s going on beneath the surface of her words. To what extent is she disappointed by the move? How are her feelings about Jonnie shifting? Is she a woman who goes along with what happens in life, rarely taking action? Right now she comes across as a little passive – and that can be fine, as long as that changes as the story continues – but I think the author could seed in more clues about her emotional conflict in order to create a stronger character arc.

In conclusion, I think this could be an engaging opening with plenty of potential for development. Writing and re-writing involves honing stylistic skills, and this is part of the fun. Remember, you are the writer and ultimately any decision as to who your character is, whose story it’ll be and the dynamics you’re wishing to portray/explore is yours. However, key concepts like POV, SDT, Characterisation and Tension are tools to be used in order to realise the vision you have for your story.


I hope my comments have been helpful, and I wish the author the best of luck with developing this piece of writing.

Cornerstones Mini Masterclass October 2014

with Kathryn Price, Co-director at Cornerstones Literary Consultancy.

Each issue, Cornerstones Literary Consultancy explore and critique a reader's opening page. If you would like to participate in their Opening Page Mini Masterclass, send your opening page (400 approx words) as a Word Document attachment to submissions@wordswithjam.co.uk with the subject ‘Cornerstones Masterclass’. Pieces for critique are chosen at random from those submitted to Words with JAM.

The Blood Between Us by Eric Springer 

The Executor stopped walking as her eyes caught a flash of color on the rugged path near her boot. The mist, her ever-present companion in these mountains, seemed to pause with her. The cold wind made the tatters of her gray cloak flutter and snap against the silence.

A wiry sprig of green grass twisted its way up from between two stones.

The Executor pulled back her hood and crouched down, the wind spinning out the length of her ghost-white hair. She tugged the bit of grass from the ground with her gloved fingers and studied it with pale blue eyes.

“That damn mule,” she muttered.

She had been on foot, leading the stubborn beast through a snow-choked ravine when the lead went tight and the animal stopped moving. The Executor had turned around in time to see its eyes bulging huge from its anvil-shaped head, ropes of milky spittle stringing out from its mouth. Then it made a woeful cry and fell over dead.

She watched the exhausted animal collapse without a word, and then she had stripped her things from its back and sorted through them in the snow. She packed a small bag with her bowl, a length of rope, her book, and her sharpening tools. Then she lifted the bag and left the mule where it fell, its steel-gray body already cold to the touch. She left the soles of her old boots and the majority of her cooking things. Most of what she left behind was food.

There are things always to eat in the wild, if one was desperate enough.

The Executor rubbed the grass between her fingers and let it fall away. It was just like that damn mule to starve to death right before grass appeared. She began to curse it again but stopped herself. It had been a bad idea to try to bring the animal over the jagged teeth of the mountains, she thought, and this was the result. Now it belonged to the nothingness beyond life, at one with the Nox. 

The Executor had pushed through these mountains for thirty days and seen nothing but rock and snow and stone without end. The blind villager, the only one to whom she could speak without the other shrieking in fear at the sight of her wretched appearance, had told her it was so. He has said it was not possible, that there was nothing beyond the mountains. No people, no animals, no life. He had said the world ends.

But the witch had told her differently.

Critique by Kathryn Price

What a beguiling, atmospheric opening scene. Reading this we can really feel the bite of the wind; the lonely emptiness of the mountains; the bleakness of The Executor’s prospects with her mule dead and her food abandoned.

In many ways the relative sparseness of the description is a strength; it mirrors the landscape and leaves plenty to our imaginations, whereas an excess of description might overload us with sensory information which doesn’t fit the scene. Those brushstrokes of detail we do have tend to be carefully chosen adjectives and strong, active verbs (made the tatters of her gray cloak flutter and snap) which allow the descriptions to blend seamlessly into the action rather than standing out.

With that in mind, the majority of editing here should focus on line-by-line tightening, ensuring that all the language has the same level of polish and precision. For instance, in the odd sentence where adjectives weigh more heavily, is it possible to prune and refine? A wiry sprig of green grass seems (comparatively) over-detailed. Do we need green? Perhaps substituting green for color where it appears in the first line would allow the author to remove it here.

Similarly, She tugged the bit of grass from the ground with her gloved fingers and studied it with pale blue eyes could be sharpened – it contains a repetition of with and the fourth colour adjective in just a few sentences. Simply cutting with pale blue eyes would work; in any case, alluding to the colour of her eyes feels slightly external to what is on the whole a compellingly intimate 3^rd person point of view.

Anything overtly or indirectly repetitive would also be a good candidate for editing. We have spinning out … stringing out, that damn mule … that damn mule, leading … lead, between … between, nothingness … nothing … nothing, end … ends and lots of repetitions of then. Individually these are minor and might even pass unnoticed but given the attention to detail elsewhere they feel like easily-fixable glitches.

Point of view, touched on above, is also worth another quick look. On the whole the author has handled the intimate 3^rd person POV well; there are just a few places where a tiny tweak would keep this wholly consistent. I’ve already mentioned the reference to The Executor’s eyes. The sentence There are things always to eat in the wild, if one was desperate enough is slightly jarring because of the mixture of tenses. A simple shift into past/3^rd person would ensure this feels in keeping with the POV elsewhere: There were always things to eat in the wild, if she got desperate enough. (Note the switch in word order, too).

The same applies to He has said it was not possible, that there was nothing beyond the mountains. No people, no animals, no life. He had said the world ends. The first shift into present tense here may just be a typo but either way the sentence would read more consistently and smoothly as He said it was not possible, that there was nothing beyond the mountains. No people, no animals, no life. He said the world ended.

The one other thing that might benefit from further honing is the episode of the mule’s death. As an incident for an opening scene I like this – it’s grim and carries a strong sense of foreboding. However, I wonder if there’s more that could be done with it. It feels more immediately dramatic than finding the sprig of grass so it seems a shame that we only view it in retrospect, in the pluperfect. Could we start in medias res here?

It also feels a little vague. We later learn that the mule starved to death which implies a slow, drawn-out end. Here we have a horrifying, visceral and sudden conclusion: eyes bulging … milky spittle … woeful cry (and these are great descriptions). The idea of starving to death is important, though – it accentuates the quiet menace of the situation, especially now that The Executor has had to leave her food behind. Might it be possible to bring this episode into the now of the story and extend it, showing The Executor struggling with her weakening animal, forcing it to continue despite the fact that it’s clearly dying (this would reveal a lot about her character, too) and culminating in a variation of the death scene that we already have?

Where this opening succeeds most convincingly is in creating a sense of mystery and otherworldliness, drawing us into a scenario that is familiar enough to feel real to us but strange enough to raise questions and keep us guessing. What is the Nox; why would the world end beyond the mountains; who is this witch who has sent The Executor off on her perilous quest; most of all, who is The Executor herself (what does this mean? Why does she carry sharpening tools? – a phrase that made me shiver) and what is she seeking? This is the kind of lone ranger role that is conventionally given to male characters so I love the fact that she is a woman (though a tough one) and I immediately want to learn about her.

Overall, this scene achieves what every first page of every novel should strive for: it drives the reader to keep turning the pages to find out more. That’s perhaps the most indefinable quality of good fiction – and the hardest to teach – so the author has a very strong foundation to work from here. Great stuff.